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A very long (and slightly silly) ramble on why I can't seem to pick a career.Collapse )

Seriously, though, I'd be settled down with a career and health benefits by now if the world wasn't such an interesting place.
 I went on a DATE last night!!! With my husband!!!!!!! And NO baby!!!!!! Yay for Grandma being in town! It was our first date since his birthday in August. We had a couple of drinks and saw a movie - like, in an actual movie theatre! Together! I think the last movie Andy and I went to was "Blade Runner" when they showed it over at Cinema 21 about a month or so before Casey was born. So yeah, first movie in 14 months-ish.
And, we get to go bowling tonight!
Gah. Writing that made me feel old. 
 I got a MacBook!!!!!! Yay!!!!
On another note...
I think I've figured out why it's so hard for me to make friends or even talk to people that I like: I don't know the script. See, I can get up in front of a room full of people and make a speech, no problem; I can call the electric company, talk to the lady at the checkout stand in the grocery store; hell, I could even do the dating thing because I knew how it was supposed to go. I know more or less what the other person expects of me, what I expect of them, and roughly what things are appropriate to say. But can I call a friend because I really want to talk to her and I need an ear to whine to? Not even with a pint of liquid courage poured down my throat. And forget about going up to people and attempting to engage them in potentially friend-making conversations - not gonna happen.
Speaking of liquid courage, back before I was pregnant, I felt like I had at least a decent amount of friends. Where'd they all go? Did they abandon me? Nope. I think I had been relying too heavily on alcohol as a social lubricant. Once I could no longer touch the stuff, I found that I had no idea how to talk to anyone. It was just me and my socially retarded ways.
I think I'm gonna go out on limb and post this on myspace. It's a bit more personal than I usually get, but maybe that's a good thing in this instance.
My grandma forwarded this to me:Collapse )

I'm supposed to forward it to 5 other moms - not happening.

Thing is - it's not even true.
Honestly, I have been puked on - woulda been WAAAY worse had I not been as drunk as him, but still...
Been chewed on, too (whatever, it was high school)
And I've still never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down (unless I was worried putting her down would wake her up); and really, I don't get all tender and special feeling when I'm nursing. I feel ... bovinical (if it's not a word it sure as hell should be).
And the "feeling of having my heart outside my body"?? WTF? I dont even understand that line. I'm picturing that scene in Temple of Doom where the priest-guy rips the still beating heart out of the sacrificial guy's chest. Ew.
"I never knew I would love being a mom" - I love Casey. I love love love her. I'm glad she's here now. Don't know if I'm all that fond of being mommy, though, to tell ya the truth.
I read things like this and it's like I can hear them screaming, "YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR BABY ENOUGH!! BAD MOMMY!"

This was advertisement on Myspace for some weight loss plan. I freaking hate these things. Honestly the pic on the left is WAY sexier than the 'after' pic.

Sep. 18th, 2008

You paid attention during 95% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Take More Quizzes

Teehee... why am I proud of this? I'll blame it on the beer.
Wonder what I got wrong...
I'm feelin' geeky today.
I think I wanna join the SCA.

Yay for cooler weather!!!!
Arrgh, me hearties. 'Tis officially International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aaargh. Yo ho ho and a bottle o' rum.

Sep. 14th, 2008

I showed Andy an LJ community devoted to Beatle pictures... I fear he may never return.
Casey-Bug is asleep right now - in her crib no less!! I hope she stays that way for a while longer. I could really use another glass (or 3) of wine.
A random thought:
In one of the HitchHiker's Guide books, Douglas Adams talks about a planet (Krikkit) where there is no concept of the sky. The inhabitants hear a noise from up above and look everywhere but up. They have no concept of 'up'. I tried to imagine feeling this way about a direction but failed utterly; probably because if I could imagine a direction (or dimension), then I would have some concept of it. I wonder if there might be a direction like that that we have no concept of. You know what? It's hard to conceptualize something for which there are no words or concepts already in play. I think if God exists, then He/She/It could possibly come from that direction.

Labor Day

The epidural had long since worn off and I was in pain. Sharp tentacles of pure pain snaked through my lower torso, encircling what I think of as my spleen but probably isn't. My abdomen constricted again, sending fresh spikes of pure pain up my back and sides. 'This isn't right.' I screamed, the low guttural sound emanating from my throat quite of its own volition. My body was no longer mine to control. Fire, a burning rage of pure pain, spread through my groin. The nurse's voice, cool soothing nurse, gritted at my mind like sandpaper. The midwife, nurse, student-nurse, and Andy stood around me, cheering. "You can do it!" "Almost there!" Over and over their voices tumbled, urging me on, supporting me. I hated them. I wanted to crawl off and die. I wanted to be gassed, passed out, and have someone else do the hard part. More pain. Pain was my world. Pain and fury enveloped my consciousness. Another contraction. More fire, consuming me from the inside out. Pressure welled up in my head. "I'm having an aneurysm." I was reminded that, actually, I was having a baby and this was a perfectly normal and healthy response. I wanted to shoot someone, wanted them all to shut up. More pain. More fire. I could fel myself ripping in half. I sobbed through my screams and imagined someone running a sword through me; imagined how nice the cool metal would feel against the flames and what a clean precise feeling it would be.
    "I hate you all"
    "You-can-do-it! She's coming! I see her!"
    "Shut up shut up." I was howling now. Fire. Fire and pain. Another contraction. Another unanswered plea for death, sleep, or a cigarette. And then... nothing. A sliding, slightly slimy sensation. I sat back as wave after wave of relative silence wracked my shattered body. A rush of activity.. A brief glimpse of a small red bundle, and then the nurse was pushing the bundle into my arms. 'Holy Fuck.' Mentally, I scrabbled away, up a mountainside in fear. The baby blinked up at me, looking rather startled. I took her unsteadily.

procrastination plus beer =

I really should be either reading Dostoevsky or mopping the kitchen right now; somehow this seemed like a better idea....

Would you rather be a priest or a drug dealer?
drug dealer

If someone you used to be friends with slashed your tires, would you call the cops?
probably not

What did you do to get your first detention?
i can't remember

How big of a role does religion play in your life?
not much, although i do think about/discuss god(s), spirituality, etc. quite a bit

Is your bathroom clean?
not even remotely

Did you talk to anyone on the phone before bed last night, who?

Who did you last share a taxi ride with?
i have no idea

Do you try to start fights when you're drunk?
ha! no, but it's fun sometimes to hang out with drunks who do (i miss uncle randy now!)

If you had a sex tape and someone offered you five million dollars to sell it to them, would you?

How did you and your number one on myspace become friends?
SAC, through D.C.and (indirectly) charles falcon

How many cousins total do you have?
15, plus 2 step-cousins on my mom's side.1or 2 on my dad's

Where were you born, and how old were your parents?
Austin, TX... 22

Is it more common for you to follow your heart, or your mind?

Are you a dog or cat person?

What were the last words you said to your Dad?
probably, "i will" or love you too"

Do you know someone in the war?
apparently, the cousin on my dad's side is over there, though I've  never met him

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon?
putting casey down for a nap

Did you get at least eight hours of sleep last night?
I wish! I haven't gotten 8 hours of sleep in a row in almost 8 months

What's the last thing someone said to you?
"let me call you back later"

How old will you be in 5 years?
33 (eep)

Will you be married by then?
I'll be married by Aug. 3rd

Who was the last person you hugged?
Casey Grey

What were you doing at midnight last night?
trying not to fall asleep while reading dostoevsky

What was the last thing you drank?
beer, still drinking it

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I like the right side

Do you know how to play poker?
I know the basics

Ever stolen a street sign?
not personally

Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?

Who is the funniest person you know?
probably arlo, but most of the people i know have their moments

Do you still have clothes from when you were little?

What are you mad about right now?

Are you a jealous person?

What song, if any, is stuck in your head at the moment?
pancho and lefty

What did you dress up as for Halloween?
I think i was a sort of a zombie-ish, deadish pregnant lady

Who is the sweetest person you know?
the bug

What is your favorite salad dressing?

Are your parents still together?
yep, off 'n on for 31 years!

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
i have a vague idea

Did you date anyone last summer?
define date; i'm in a very 'LTR'

Is there someone you want to fight?

Song playing right now?
carmelita y warren zevon

Does anyone like you?
i hope so!

What are you thinking about right now?

What were you doing an hour ago?

Do you secretly like someone?
yeah, i have a silly crush on david tennant-as-dr. who; i like to keep that fangirl side of me hidden
Wowie Zowie! I had no idea this even existed.
I <3 Johnny Horton!